What a difference 14 months makes??
I apologise for the headline, but for those of you who read my previous one and only blog entry on here, I thought you might have expected some progress on the road to recovery. You may as well be disappointed now. WARNING this does contain triggers. See, aren't I good to you?
For those of you who didn't have the pleasure of my company it was a tale of depression due to bereavement, stress due to workplace bullying and an afternoon session with one of the crappest craft knives I've ever bought.
If you have no time for heartfelt ramblings then you had probably better stop reading now and go surf some porn or something. I'm sure the FoldsFive normal blog service will resume in a few days. If you would care to indulge me however, at least for a few minutes, I'll try and bring you up to speed on my life.
As I left the tale last time I was heading off for a long weekend in Essen with some friends, indeed the previous blog was finished whilst on the train to a friends house in Birmingham. Essen was characterised by copious quantities of alcohol, and changing bandages twice daily to clear an infection in the wound. It was only thanks to a couple of very special people agreeing to keep an eye on me that my wife let me go.
Essen was fine, it was better than fine, it was a complete break from reality, it was what I needed, now however I'm back in the real world.
After Essen I took redundancy, I simply didn't feel capable of returning to my job and certainly didn't feel wanted, my career was over by this point anyway, too flaky, can't cope when the shit hits the fan.
The break was good initially, my head cleared, but one month became two and then two became six, six has become twelve. I must have applied for 100 jobs, got 2 interviews, one of which was even for the right job. JSA stopped, the redundancy package shrank and disappeared.
In a last roll of the dice I opted for self employment and turning my back on an IT career I looked at franchises and in the end opened a small shop. Master of my own destiny, not beholden to the bullshit of others.
Except it's not that simple is it? It never is, in the crappy world we live in you don't get to ride off into the sunset. I don't get to live happily ever after. I know I'm not coping, stress triggers raise their head daily and it's as though nothing has changed. I had a delivery the other day of a pdq terminal, except it was bigger than I expected when it arrived and that reduced me to tears. I physically couldn't finish unpacking it to install it.
I know I should make an effort to seek help and I am, but how do you keep it quiet when your partner is in the process of losing a parent? Someone has to be strong, and for most of the time I can wear that mask, at least in public. In private however it's a different story, a far different story. It's a part of my psyche, to try and fight peoples battles for them, to give everything, to die for a cause somewhere.
For most of the last week I've been staring at my old friend the knife. After the first time of trying this the sense of fear is greatly diminished, I know from last time how not to make the same mistakes, cut across rather than up the vein, there won't be any calls to hear a friendly voice. Besides its a shitty selfish thing to do, to expect someone to listen to you while you die. I just wish someone would take this black dog for a long walk and never bring it back. I want someone to make it all better, to give me a hug and make all the bad go away, to take away this emptiness.
As a trained scientist, and I have the bit of paper to prove it, I've been looking for studies that indicate recovery from severe unipolar depression is possible, the best conclusion I can draw is that it is like cancer and the best you can ever really hope for is remission, for many that will be good enough, for those of us who don't make it that far it's just a pipe dream. To be better, to be well, to be "normal".
Maybe it's simply that I've forgotten what it feels like to be well. In the last 14 months I've had two people I'd like to call good friends attempt to take their own lives, and when, like me, you ideate suicide most of your waking day, that's a hard thing to deal with. You feel cheated that you weren't asked to join in. You really do. The bastards, I never get invited to parties. Not their fault, its my problem not theirs, it's not something you normally do in this situation, it's not the socially polite thing to do, "hey I'm going to top myself, do you want in?"
The more I write this the more unsure I become what my purpose is in writing it, but then again my life has lacked purpose and self esteem for so long now that doesn't surprise me.
I guess, without trying to sound to depressing, that recovery from depression is much harder than I thought, and maybe for some it is too hard. Currently I'm spiralling out of control and sinking, taking on more risky activities in an effort to self destruct, to destroy the few remaining bits of good left in my life. Even though I recognise this I keep getting drawn like a moth to a candle, I know they are wrong, but I just can't break this cycle right now. In a typical fashion the depression is making me isolate myself, no more facebook, friends lists severely limited, blocking people on my phone, if I can cut myself off from the world I no longer have to act. It's a basic defense mechanism, and certainly in the beginning it works.
I'm weighing my options and honestly I'm undecided. SSRIs when and if I get them will take about 4 weeks to start kick in, if I can make it that far there's a better than 50/ 50 chance I'll see Christmas. I have no intention of seeing a crisis team this time though, there are more worthy people out there than I who need their help. Besides I know the stats, I will have a far higher probability of ending my life if committed against my will, and I dont want to be responsible for hurting others to make sure that detention doesnt happen. If you have never been to a secure unit they are scary places. But thanks to health and safety they still have overrides for the electronic door locks, you just need to know what you are looking for.
My biggest remaining decision then would be to either go out in a blaze of glory or simply slip away. Both have their pros and cons. A jump is easy, so is suicide by cop, god knows that is simple enough to achieve, a wonder down the high street with one of the replica props could make that happen in minutes. But they involve others, to either pull the trigger or to clean up afterwards. And that simply isn't fair, but fairness may not be an issue. An exit bag at least is clean and less stressful for those dealing with the aftermath. Don't get me wrong, there are calm moments, they are just getting fewer and harder to hold on to.
A very few very special people have offered to be there for me to talk if I need it. And that's sweet, it really is, but I dont want to share my pain and drag others down, especially those who have their own struggle. Believe me when I say I'm not trying to reject you, I'm trying to save you from me, from this empiness that rages inside me.
If I can't make it through those weeks and things procede to what is for me, their natural conclusion then please remember that it's my decision and I'm comfortable with it. I've always been comfortable with it. I've said all along that it will be an inevitability for me, a when, not an if. Don't fight it for me, don't fight me, just wish me the peace, the escape, which I so desperately crave right now.
If I ever bought a smile to your face, made you laugh or brightened your day, remember me that way, I don't want to be remembered like this. Sometimes you just have to be a freebird.
If you suffer, or are the partner of someone who does, just know that it is hard, so very hard. We don't mean to hurt but we do, to me right now I seem to be able to do nothing but hurt people. No prospects, no future, no point. And it's never about a lack of love, if anything it's always about too much....
So this isn't my suicide note, but it is me, my life, my mind, me. My friends deserve to know this much, I love them all. Read this or don't, it's all the same to me. If you comment then please be kind, share if you wish, but don't laugh, I really couldn't cope with that right now.